The Laura Project

I must thank everyone who has been so patient with me as I've gone two weeks without blogging. That's not to say you've been just *waiting* at your desk for my blog to appear. But I know that some of you are checking it regularly, and I apologize for the length of time it's taken me to actually get it posted.

I think this last week will have to come in two installments. Here is volume I...
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So the tentatively-named Laura Project is in full swing now. For those of you who haven't a clue what it is I'm talking about, I will explain:
At my mom's visitation, I approached Tomm Gillies, a producer who used to attend our church and is one of my very favorite people, about making a highlight reel, of sorts. Just a little montage of pictures and bits of home video with some pretty music bed running under it or something. Just to kind of get all the pics and stuff into one place, for Erinne and the little guys to be able to see her, and for everyone to have a DVD full of "Mom at-a-glance".
As it turns out, Mr. Gillies had been thinking about doing the very same thing. So of course he said he'd do it, and he'd do it for free!
Well, as the pre-production brainstorming and information-gathering progressed, and the project began to take shape, it quickly grew and morphed into something much bigger than I had originally pictured. Mr. and Mrs. Gillies and I took a day to talk through a re-evaluation of the project and to create a new game plan. At the end of the day, we had determined that this project was really wanting to become more of a documentary than a highlight reel.
So now "The Laura Project" is a documentary of sorts, setting out to answer the question, "What was Laura's legacy?" We intend to answer that question by interviewing family, close friends, business contacts, and church leadership.

Last Saturday marked the first day of actual production. Mr. Gillies, John Tarlton, Pam Reece, and Mr. Gillies' friend, Jared, comprised the crew. (I guess technically I count as crew too...but I don't think I was much help!) They came to our house and set up the lights and cameras and such and spent the day interviewing...talking to our family as a group in the living room, and doing some one-on-one interviews with the few that were willing to talk all alone in front of a camera with lights in their eyes and a boom microphone in their face.

I had a brief mini-breakdown during the interview. I don't even remember what triggered it. It may have been when they asked what I would tell Mom if she came back for a day. I don't know...I just remember that it had a very marked effect on me.The whole day had really affected me in a way that was different from what I had expected. I was kind of melancholy for the rest of the day, and that night was the first time I'd had a nightmare about Mom in weeks.

On Sunday, after church, the crew went to Dan and Chelsey Hall's house to interview them, as Mom was once very close with Mrs. Hall. The Sunday crew was made up of me, Mr. Gillies, Pam Reece, Ryan Mullin, Sheeva Olyaie, and Don English. Yeah. Lotsa peoples.

Sunday wasn't any easier for me. As a matter of fact, it was significantly more difficult.
Written in my journal that evening:

Today was the most heart-wrenching realization of Mom's true absence that I've experienced...perhaps to date.
The first take was wonderful, recalling all the eccentricities that made my mommy. I laughed and smiled and nodded in recollection of the way things used to be. I've told people before, it's so much easier to remember Mom the way she really is when I'm not trying to remember.
Listening to Mr and Mrs. Hall talk about her with such vivid recollection brought so much back to me, and now I remembered Old Normal, andwhat it all felt like, and looked like, and smelled like...

And then we shot take two...

...and she was dead again.
And I didn't like that. I cried. In front of everybody. I couldn't help it. My biggest concern was not crying loud enough for the boom microphone to pick it up.
Thankfully, I was holding little Samantha Jo. There is something about holding babies--newborns, in particular--that's just shock-absorbing. Just makes everything a little better.

When that take was over and they took five to switch tapes and take smoke breaks and things like that, I made a beeline for the bathroom and locked myself in and just b-a-w-l-e-d. Then I cleaned the mascara stains from my cheeks and took a breath and walked back into the living room, where they were all waiting. On me. I hate that.
The rest of the shoot, I suppose, was uneventful. It was just hard.
It just hurts. All of it. Hurts deep.

Man. Mom seemed so real today.
There still aren't many days when I remember her like she really was. When it comes, it comes in little flashes.
Today, if only for an hour, it was like I could really see her again.

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So that was the emotional turmoil that ensued for me last weekend.
THIS weekend was much easier, though I have no idea why.
We had roughly ten hours worth of work on Saturday, conducting four different interviews at the church:

1) Jenny Dickerson (A close friend of Mom's)
2) Majen Gibson (The drama director lady at church)
3) Chris and Dori Barker (Mr. Barker is the worship pastor at our church; Mrs. Barker was a very dear friend to Mom, and was also her Creative Memories consultant.)
4) Glenn Meredith (Our pastor)

It all went pretty well, I think. It was just terribly long, and very tiring.
The Saturday crew: Me, Mr. Gillies, Chris Williams, Shannon Williams, Pam Reece, and Sheeva Olyaie.
I *think* that was everybody.

Then on Sunday, after church, the crew was me, Mr. Gillies, Ryan Mullin, and Shannon Williams. We tripped out to the Fort Worth area to talk to Grandad. It was a little weird seeing Grandad cry. I don't think I've seen him cry a day in my life. I think, and it's hard to say why, that I was a little relieved to see him cry. I don't know if it was for his sake or mine that it was a relief to me, but it was something like comfort. I guess I feel better when I know that I'm not crying alone.
I'm sure that sounds totally strange, but it's how it is.
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So yes. That is the update on that. More to follow.
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We now interrupt regularly scheduled programming to inform you that Erinne started saying "Da-da" today.

Yes.

And the quote of the day?
Bobby (to Erinne): Da-da.....Erinne, say "da-da".....Da-da.....Erinne, if you don't say "da-da", I'm gonna lock you in a closet with monsters.
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Once again, I duly apologize for my lack of blogness.
The rest of last week will hopefully be thoroughly blogged in the next day or so.